Just Say No to People-Pleasing

When my sons were little, people told us that boys are more challenging when they’re very young and become easier as teens. Conversely, they said little girls are well-behaved but become difficult teenagers who fight with their moms. This stereotype didn’t resonate with me; I don’t remember ever fighting with my parents or acting out. To make sure I hadn’t selectively repressed my memories, I even asked my dad what I was like as a teenager, and he confirmed that I was a well-behaved teen.  

This was likely due to my upbringing, a mix of not wanting to disappoint my parents and fear of punishment. In fact, my rebellious period came later in life, when I lived away from my parents. I was a classic well-behaved, first-generation eldest daughter of religious Korean parents with high standards and hopes for their children. For most of my life, I was a good girl who stayed out of trouble and followed the rules.

While I don’t usually think of myself as a people pleaser, I can’t deny that I have some inclination. My flavor of people-pleasing presented itself as a mix of deference to authority and ability to assimilate in different cultures, to the extent that I concealed parts of my true personality, and instead blended into the background like a chameleon. 

Pleasing behavior is common among my high achieving coaching clients. While it often originates from good intentions, it can have detrimental effects on your career advancement, well-being, and relationships. The key to navigating is to gain awareness when it’s happening and why and to practice maintaining boundaries with clarity and compassion. So, what exactly is this behavior and why is it so common among high achievers?

What is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing is a tendency to say yes to whatever is asked of you without questioning or negotiating, in order to avoid conflict or retaliation.  It can also include apologizing or taking the blame when not at fault, and even making excuses for the mistakes, faults, and shortcomings of others. As a response to stressful situations, it’s called fawning: prioritizing or submitting to the needs of others while sacrificing your own boundaries and well-being in order to maintain a sense of safety and avoid negative consequences.

Why It’s Not So Nice

On the surface, people pleasers are being nice. And to be clear, people pleasers have many positive characteristics, including working well with others, treating others respectfully, being considerate of other people’s needs, resolving conflicts quickly, and adapting to different situations. However, the same traits can also become detrimental and lead to becoming a pushover.

For many high performers, people-pleasing and perfectionist tendencies are key factors contributing to burnout, in combination with excessive workload, and negative feelings that may come from resenting the lack of recognition for your efforts. It can be reinforced by the hustle mentality in corporate culture, where the propensity to self-sacrifice is glorified as heroic while disregarding the harmful effects. I’ve observed this with many of my clients, who have achieved professional success but hit a plateau or teeter on the edge of total burnout because they are working long hours without reward. 

Some of the negative effects are obvious, because they happen to you: 

• You work yourself to the bone

• You lose sight of your own needs

• You feel resentful or frustrated that you’re not appreciated or rewarded for your efforts

But perhaps what is less obvious is how your people-pleasing affects others. Even if your intention is to be helpful and keep the peace, your lack of boundaries can hurt your relationships, be harmful to other people, and make you less effective at work:

• Others become overly dependent on you

• They take you for granted or even exploit you

• You devalue your own perspective and opinions without ever sharing them 

• You say yes even when you disagree, potentially supporting bad decisions

• You deprive others of the chance to step up and share the burden or opportunity

• People get frustrated that you take away their agency by doing everything yourself

• You become disconnected from yourself and your needs

Be mindful to not feel shame or see this as a weakness. It’s not like you woke up one day and decided to become a people pleaser.

What Causes People-Pleasing?

It can develop as the result of an oppressive or abusive environment, fearing the sting of rejection, or cultural influences. For example, there is a form of people pleasing that applies mainly to authority figures and people who are higher up on the chain. For some of us, it’s deeply ingrained from the cultures we grew up in, where we were taught to respect our elders and seniors. Or it may be a coping mechanism to avoid anxiety and conflict.

The tendency to put others’ needs before our own can develop for many reasons:

• A need to be needed

• Fear of disappointing others, rejection, or abandonment

• A desire to win acceptance and affection from others

• Genuinely caring about doing a good job and/or want to help others

• Fearing consequences, particularly in industries like Tech, which is currently experiencing a major shift with layoffs, tough competition for few job openings, and lower pay

• Avoiding conflict

• Conditioning from an authoritarian environment where the consequences and threats were severe

Fortunately, like any other behavior, we can learn to stop people-pleasing.

What You Can Do

Follow the Awareness, Intention, Action, and Results framework for self-development, which is great any time you're working on a new skill or habit:

Step 1: Awareness

Observe yourself and understand your triggers

Notice when you impulsively act against your own needs and become a pleaser. Is it actually helpful or necessary? Do you jump in and offer to help before you’re even asked?

What do you think drives your people-pleasing? What stories are you telling yourself in the moment? Are you fearful that you’ll anger someone, they’ll dislike you, or they’ll retaliate in some way if you set boundaries? Will they take away or hold back something you want?

Step 2: Intention

Shift your mindset

Think about some of the things you automatically say yes to. Do you know why it’s important to do? If it’s a work situation, how does it help the business or the team? What’s in it for you? What are the potential downsides if you say yes, even beyond the time and effort it costs you? What are you saying no to if you do it? What does saying no make possible that is more important to you?

Remind yourself of your self-worth: get in touch with your own feelings and needs so you know what’s really important to you.

Remember that saying no won’t automatically disappoint someone. Just because someone asks you for something doesn’t mean they will be upset if you say no. They’re just asking. Even if someone is being insistent, you are not obliged to do what they ask. You have a choice.

Mindset is your key to successfully making a change. When you start saying no and enforcing your boundaries, tone goes a long way, and is directly tied to mindset. If you are worrying that the other person will be angry, you may sound apologetic and potentially blameworthy. On the other hand, if you are frustrated or resentful after realizing how underappreciated you have been, it may be reflected in your attitude. Neither one is great, so aim for being calm and dispassionate. Think firm but kind.

Step 3: Action

Practice new behaviors

This is the most crucial step to put your newfound awareness and intention into practice, facing your fears and anxieties by gradually introducing new ways of responding. Start with small, low-stakes situations and build from there.

• Communicate Strategically: Before you do what’s asked of you, ask questions, communicate your needs, and share your perspective. This makes you a more valuable team member, someone who thinks like a leader. Ask thoughtful questions to understand the priority of a new task and what the objectives are. Be transparent about your workload and the trade-offs you would need to make. For example “I have a lot on my plate, but I can do this if we can adjust the deadline for another task,” or “If I take this one, I will have to sacrifice sleep or time with my family.” 

• Employ the Artful “No”: this is about setting boundaries and respecting yourself, and doesn’t have to be confrontational. You can gracefully say not without apologizing or offering a detailed explanation. And remember that there is an entire spectrum of responses between “Yes” and “No”:

  • Yes

  • Let me think about it and get back to you

  • Yes, but not now

  • Yes, but then I cannot do this other task - is that okay?

  • Yes, I can do part of it. Which part is most important?

  • Yes, and I will need X resources in order to make that happen

  • No, but here’s a different solution to address your need 

  • No, but person A would be great at this

  • No

• Share the Burden and Let Others Step Up: You don’t have to do it all yourself. Resist the urge to jump in and offer help before anyone has asked. This gives others the opportunity to find a solution or ask for what they need. If a task isn’t your responsibility, delegate it and ask for help. This empowers others and prevents you from burning out.

Step 4: Results:

Reflect on how it went

After you’ve taken action, reflect on how the interaction went. Remember that you only have control over your own words and actions, and not how others respond to them.

People-pleasing isn’t a flaw in your character; it’s a strategy that you developed to stay safe. But when you remove yourself from that environment, you have a choice. You are not becoming a difficult person, you are becoming someone who respects their own needs and boundaries as much as they do others. Being honest and authentic is the best way to earn respect and build strong relationships.